Why do we keep going back?

Why do you keep going back to situations or people that no longer serve you? Why is it that every time that you try to move on, something stops you. You get triggered, and reminisce about the past and how great it use to be. Or rather your idea or illusion what great “used” to be.

Often times we are unable to differentiate our version of fantasy and what reality really is.

We get stuck in an illusion of how good something uses to be, or the potential of how good something could be, instead of taking it for the face value of what it really is, ” CRAP”.

Many times we settle, for what we think we deserve or what we believe is the best we can get.

I have met many people, myself included, that have been stuck in dead-end jobs and relationships because they believed it was the best they could get. There was a level of comfort and familiarity that made you want to stay, regardless of how bad or unhappy it made you feel, you still stayed because it’s all you know.

And a lot of the times we don’t realize that the situations we place ourselves in, have nothing to do with us, but it is our conditioning that has led us to this point.

It is our conditioning, our patterns, our beliefs, our experiences that have formed and shaped us to the beings that we are today.

But where do these beliefs, patterns, and unconscious conditioning develop? From our upbringing, our childhood.

It is in our childhood that we are most suggestible and malleable to what is being SHOWN to us by our parents or guardians.

These are the ones that shape us, that give us their patterns, beliefs, and their own unconscious conditioning.

And then we wonder why we are stuck in a routine or pattern that is so similar to our parents, or our upbringing that triggers certain responses within us to act a certain way, even sometimes triggering a defensive survival mode mentality.

They say that ever person you meet is the reflection of self, and when you interact with them you have the ability to learn something new from that person.

I had the pleasure of reconnecting with an old friend of mine, and when I sat down and heard her story, I instantly saw my life flash before my eyes. Everything that they were going through, I had already experienced in the past, and reconnecting with her brought me so much clarity, not only for myself but for her and people like her.

Because I’ve already learned and recognized how to distinguish the external from the internal, I was able to give clarity and insight to her situation.

Being an observer and listening, I was able to pinpoint what was going on in her life and why these beliefs and experiences were happening.

As she was going through a breakup, and grieving from a loss, two of the most fragile and traumatic experiences a person can go through, especially alone. She couldn’t understand her emotions, or why she kept trying to hold onto someone or something she knew wasn’t good for her.

She knew deep down this person wasn’t good, after being cheated on, disrespected, and abandoned in her time of need. But she still wanted to go back.

Now take into consideration, any type of trauma especially one as significant as a loss will put a toll on a person, mentally and emotionally, that they will reach a point of irrationality and cling to that which they recognize and associate as safe and familiar.

Stepping back as an observer, we may look at the situation and know that the past isn’t always right for us, but we will go back because the fear of uncertainty is scarier.

Many times we go back, because of our conditioning, it's what we know. From the time we grew up, to the time we become adults, it’s conditioned and learned behavior.

How we react in certain situations, is based on what we learned and observed from our parents.

To get a clear understanding, about my friend’s situation, I had to take it back a few notches to her upbringing. And what her childhood and lifestyle were like to get a full understanding.

As she was explaining, it became more and more apparent, that my dear friend didn’t know or have effective coping mechanisms that could benefit her life.

Her upbringing was that of abandonment, and constantly feeling unworthy and not good enough. And she would continue to attract situations and experiences that reinforced this belief and behavior. But this behavior was learned and taught based on the conditioning of her parents.

Her parents also felt unworthy, unloved, and abandoned, which is why they unconsciously taught her to do the same. How they interacted with her, is what she became accustomed and developed a pattern that was similar or identical to the relationship she had with her own parents.

Because the pattern was unconscious to the parents, they themselves didn’t know they were doing it. They didn’t know how to consciously and effectively teach their daughter how to feel loved, worthy, and secure because they themselves didn’t know how.

Because how can you teach someone, if you don’t know how?

I continued to reiterate to her, that everything that had or has happened in her life was not her, it was her conditioning.

The bad news is, that it was her upbringing that taught her how to behave like this. But the good news is, conditioning is a learned behavior, and if it can be learned, it can be unlearned as well.

You have to be willing to break the pattern.

And that’s all it is, it's a pattern of past generations that learned how to survive, whether good or bad, right or wrong, they used it to survive.

So if you feel that these patterns aren’t working for you, or that they may no longer serve you. YOU CAN BREAK THEM, and you can condition yourself to a pattern that is BENEFICIAL to your life.

One that will support and encourage your ideas, your actions, and your beliefs so that you can attract people that will see you as you want to be seen.

We first must RECOGNIZE our patterns in order to change them. Then we must CHOOSE, whether to stay stuck or to move forward.

It is by CHOICE that we live the life we want to live. We can wallow in the past OR build a life that is more incredible than we could have even dreamt of. IT IS OUR CHOICE!

You don’t have to continue to keep going back and revisiting the people or experiences from your past, that no longer serve you, The people that continue cut open a wound you are so desperately trying to close.

You have the strength and courage because it lives with you. It is you taking CHARGE of your life and BELIEVING that you are WORTH it. Because then you will be the change you wish to see.

Empower yourself NOW and leave the past behind.

Alicia Ramos